Chances are, this time around, if you or your partner are feeling insecure or neglected, you'll be quick to address it with each other or your therapist. I recommend at least thirty days of silence, during which theres no writing, calling, emailing, texting, nothing. In it, write down what you each expect from each other and what you'll commit to moving forward, whether that's attending couples therapy or seeking help for addiction issues that have come between you. The ending of an important part of one's life- a relationship, job, stage of life; Or in this case- an affair. Nothing you do will make him want to give you closure. You'll also end up with more than a couple of key takeaways about your resilience, your relationship, and your partner: Ultimately, rekindling with your cheating ex is up to you, but you might choose not to if you can't shake jealous or distrustful feelingsand that's totally okay. She said that she loved me and will always be with me. Says he never wants me back.. Feb 21, 2021 Cheating ex wants me back reddit. Its more damaging to our own souls, not to mention how terrible it is for marriages and kids, and most people dont realize this when it starts. I knew deep down that he didnt have a care in the world for me. But be careful not to let your expectations get too high. If he's the one who initiated the break up why does he need this closure? Yep, given his age "closure" means one last roll in the hay. In my experience, it usually comes from an unfaithful wife, thinking she needs to contact her ex-affair partner to gain closure from him. Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. If you and your ex didn't necessarily end things on bad terms, or you don't harbor resentment toward one another, expressing gratitude can create a safe space for further dialogue. Healing is the process that happens inside, as opposed to external- like the closure you think you need.. If you do decide you want to make things work, then you have to take things one day at a time while remembering to take care of yourself. Once a person gets this sort of closure, they're usually better able to move on and stop going over imagined scenarios in their mind. I'm heartbroken though, I'm not handling this the best i can, I'm still hurt by it. You owe absolutely nothing to someone who cheated on you! Of course, this would require sincere remorse on your ex's part, and on yours, sympathy for how they felt. All of this self-doubt gets even more confusing when the inevitable happens the cheater tries to come back to you. Your cheater wanted everything both ways. None of us will fully know that this side of heaven. Prolonged grief keeps you stuck in a place of never feeling closure. "I am hurt.". Learn more about it here. Sometimes, its overt. Its not because they know they made the biggest mistake of their lives. So he cheated on me to make himself happy? And coping with rejection can leave the mind mulling over countless possibilities and explanations. Here's an example of closure in a relationship. Per the advice of my friend, I just ignore her existence completely. Quick Update on Bennifer's Blended Family! However, whether you haven't spoken or seen each other in five months or five years, figuring out what to say and how to reach out to your ex can feel painful so it helps to have some pointers. It feels a like breakup merry-go-round. Jan 17 Dear Chump Lady, He's threatening me with defamation of character. Your dopamine levels start to taper off, the affair fog begins to lift a little, and those Limerence feelings arent as strong as before so youre doing better overall. confused46, January 28, 2022 in Breaks and Breaking Up. Avoid Blaming Yourself for the Breakup. Closure may be one of the most painful parts of the healing process. Chances are, he may not even know himself. Or that hell tell you that he didnt really use you or that its not true that you meant nothing to him; or maybe that his blocking you on social media and his phone was all his wifes decision- but that he still loves you. There's nothing to be ashamed of; it happens. (More on that below.) This is something very important that you must take the time to think about. Here are four more reasons to stop contact with an ex: 1. If you toss and turn every night because you cant stop wondering why your relationship fell apart, it may help to reach out and get closure from your ex. By the end, you'll be ~at least~ a few steps closer to deciding once and for all whether your ex should, ya know, stay your ex. Remember that they broke your trust and lied to you more than them cheating. But thats not why I thought we needed to break up. Relationship closure is when you - whether you're a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member - don't discuss why your love relationship ended. A month later, I was getting ready to go out to celebrate New Years with two close girlfriends from college. If you just want to share a few closing thoughts, you might be able to stop right here. Still extremely fresh. Its almost as if you took my thoughts and clearly described them without even hearing them. So people often ask, Should I contact my ex and try to get some closure?. I got my closure tonight, and it feels amazing. A lot of someones. Maybe you feel like you really screwed things up. Dec 18 2019 7. With time, your ex will become a part of your past. It lasted 2 years! Even though you'd spent time talking about all the reasons why the relationship has ended. Take my self paced course to learn how to end your affair for good and reclaim your life. That's because although he ended it he didn't let go. They're meant to allow you to say goodbye, accept the situation, and move on. Im thankful that finally he did it since I cant do it alone but I dont know how long should I endure this pain. I needed closure, but I already knew that I wouldnt be able to get that from him. After years of obsessing about what his daughter was reading, he founded Building-a-Library, a website devoted to helping parents find the right books for their kids. Hi Jacqueline, It takes time and being intentional with your thoughts and a recovery plan that youre not allowing your mind to stay on memories or desires about your AP. For Tali, hearing those sentiments returned back to her was key to her closure. Quick note: Before you reach out, do so knowing your ex isnt guaranteed to respond. Needing closure from an AP sounds like a reasonable request, even an important enough reason to contact him. I kept telling him that what he was doing was wrong.. I do not want to just ignore her forever because, while it was fun in the beginning, I feel very immature for doing it and because of this it is hard to move on. My ex was with me for 3 years. No. It's common for them to feel anxiety, guilt, shame, worry, regret, confusion, embarrassment, and self-loathing . You can count on being able to better assess when your relationship needs some TLC. 5 Excuses People Give For Infidelity (That Are Total Lies). The best way to get closure is by having a controlled conversation, instead of one that gets heated. That said, remember that even if your ex agrees to meet and answer questions, you're not guaranteed full disclosure," Dr. Lash tells Bustle, reminding us that your ex will only be as honest. You dont have to keep this stuff you write, or ever show it to anyone. It will soothe their anger or heartache, or help them forget. How long that takes, depends on each person and what theyre doing for their recovery during that time. Sounds about right. When did we meet. I need help badly!! I can't stress this enough. Its not because they realized what they had. He wanted to marry me. I sent you a private email response to your question here. But if you have a point to make, hurt feelings to heal, or a bone to pick, thats when youll need to see if your ex is down to have a more serious conversation. Was it right? They realize they are fun, interesting people who can enjoy life even when theyre single. I lashed out and went wild, partying and clubbing any chance I could, which equated to about three or four nights a week. So, once you decide to give things another go, don't go on hoping things will be magically better this time around. another dopamine high) can make us come up with all kinds of reasons to get feel better and get that high again. Nonetheless, you get where Im going with that. How can anyone ever imagine facing the person they hurt in that situation again? I cant seem to get over it. If you broke up a month ago and youre still languishing in your home with all the curtains drawn, red-eyed from constant crying, feeling as though you simply cant go on, then you need some kind of closure. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. Instead, come up with a strategy for your relationship's success, or as Camoroto calls it, a "written consciousness agreement." Here are five reasons closure is a myth: The Big Talk You might be tempted -- or even demand -- some kind of big talk with your ex to find out what went wrong. I had my 1st affair in March 2020!! However, if your ex tells you that they were seeking intimacy because you hadn't had sex in months, or they didn't want to burden you with their stresses after being laid off and so turned to someone else, you might be able to hear them out and eventually forgive. But. Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. Or maybe you were just never that happy together. You just clung to each other for convenience. Why do people do the things they do? Im sad to hear it started so soon before your wedding. You may realize you dont miss the relationship or your ex as much as you miss having a sense of security, passion, a deep connection, etc. You can and will get past this, and God will help you as you continue to seek Him. You can never go back and undo anything, or even understand it fully, because you're not that person anymore. I have tried so many times to end it and I have been broken for so long. Would you like to really let go of your affair partner and start reclaiming your life? Here are five reasons closure is a myth: You might be tempted -- or even demand -- some kind of big talk with your ex to find out what went wrong. When we're involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of . So, now what? Burn the love letters. Why?! I would've returned that and used the money to change the locks. 25 Never Gonna Get It: Lack Of Communication. You two wouldn't have gotten to this point if you had good communication. Write for about 10 minutes per day, scribbling down how you feel about your ex on scratch paper. Theres nothing like a closure burning, to release all of the items (and thoughts) that are keeping you tied to the affair. Please consult your doctor before taking any action. And so I swallowed that pill. So much more to my story. WW found out I'm reading "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". Answer (1 of 5): Your priority needs to be yourself. You can't heal. This has been extremely helpful to read!! 1. Finding closure describes a final acceptance I am a woman of faith and Im in shock that I let my crush/emotional affair go to being physical (in just a month time, two days physical last week. This is also tricky, because many apologies are really attempts to manipulate the other person. The question of getting closure affair an affair seems to come up a lot. Jan 14 Dear Chump Lady, I'm a chump in the making. Closure= finality. Anna Kendrick has recalled confronting her cheating ex-boyfriend and the other woman. How long were you dating? He told me that he wants to see me this Saturday for closure. Download my e-book of our marriage story and how we survived my affair, PLUS my 20 steps you can take to restore your marriage after infidelity. Download your free marriage recovery guide here! "The rest of my life is a long time. Anything less that "I made a mistake by breaking up with you, please give me another chance", will not do. We will never get an answer to "Why did this hurricane destroy my house?" He moved on with his life and started a new one with someone else. I am struggling because the shame & guilt are tearing me up in every way!!! I like this quote from the Relationship Uncomplicated podcast : True closure is not what we have been trained to think it is. I think my ex owes me an . Other times they seek some sort of radical self change, whether through therapy or lots of talking and thinking it out with friends. Join my program End Your Affair and Reclaim Your Life. In it youll learn the tools to move forward- whether youve already ended your affair or still need to do so. I wouldn't of even left the necklace. The one night stands, staying out til 3 or 4 a.m., falling asleep with a full face of too much makeup and wearing it to work the next morning, reeking of alcohol and being okay with it. What do you feel you need to tell him, that you can put in a letter, Do you really need him to say its over? "I wanted her to know I would always care about her and be there for her." Taking a pause lets you calm down and evaluate your emotions. It's common for them to feel anxiety, guilt, shame, worry, regret, confusion, embarrassment, and self-loathing . I know that statement sounds a bit like feminist, woo-woo, girl power stuff. I dont think so, but how do you stay angry at someone for trying to do what is best for himself and his happiness? I couldnt. Just close the door and move on. As in more than just the girl he ended up starting a relationship with after we met? You probably already have enough shame and guilt for one person to last a lifetime- so, why put subject yourself to actions that will only produce more shame? Closure can teach you why your relationship didn't work . Celeste Polanco Jan. 09, 2021 12:33PM EST I'll never forget the moment I found out my ex cheated. Closure, the way these traumatized folks think of it, is a magic silver bullet thats going to take care of the problem. Then came the breakup. And he narrowed that down to being with someone else, without consideration of the fact that he was still in a relationship with me. If youre worried about privacy, email me and we can talk about another way you can join. Cheaters almost alwayscome back. Jan 13 Escape Tips. As per the boys reach out to the adult one and full disclosure, and give let him know your there for him and his brothers. It would be easier to move on if I didnt work with her. This is especially true in an affair; a relationship that never should have occurred, there really wont ever be the type of closure from an AP that you think you need, or will get to make anything right or that will heal your soul. And chances are, he has changed too. I didnt want to hate him, and I dont hate him even now. That period of silence helps you get your head screwed on straight again. Tell him you can't give him closure he has to find his own. Why You Self-Sabotage Your Relationships (And How ToStop), 21 Things I Wish I Knew While Dating In My20s, How To Navigate Your Love Life As A HIV+Woman. Im working through a similar situation and learning to gain clarity to achieve closure. Watch My Free How-To Video , move on and live a happy life without them. What youre really seeking through closure is peace of mind, the peace to go on about your life without these crippling feelings of sadness or rage. They might say that you weren't around enough or that you didn't seem committed enough to your relationship with them. Im uncertain how to proceed with my marriage and life. 7. Finally, Falk suggests making the conscious decision to release this person and all concerns related to the breakup from your life. Per the advice of my friend, I just ignore her existence completely. Dont let yourself fall for it. It can make you relive the pain from the breakup and force you to crave your ex's love and support again. We opened up to one another before this and he told me that he still loves me, he still cares for me, it hurts him too and he can't imagine me being with someone else. I suggest you decline since youre having a hard time after the break up and he ended the relationship. This advertisement has not loaded yet, but your article continues below. By Its things like How could they do this to me? or Why did they say that? that tend to echo through the mind, making it impossible to forgive and forget. cheating ex wants closure; cheating ex wants closure. Download your free marriage recovery guide here! It can reset your healing and make you wonder why you decided to meet up with an ex who rejected you and hurt you more than anyone else. This is not to say that the affair was in any way your fault. You and your ex will have to break down what led to the cheating in the first place. I was jumping up and down, belting out lyrics at the top of my lungs when my favourite song came on. You can do so by scheduling a time to talk on the phone, or even meeting formally for coffee, if that feels right. Part of getting closure for yourself is allowing yourself the space to grieve. Cheating Ex-Wife Wants Me Back & Is Angry That I'm Being Cold And Distant | Reddit Relationships0:00 - I found out my (31M) exwife (27F) cheated on me while . Don't backslide or continue to search this person out on social media. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. They realize the pros Save Once you do, youll be free to focus your energy and attention on the present. And, sometimes, its not. Do you think I should tell him? Answer (1 of 5): Your priority needs to be yourself. Don't expect it now. To this, I responded new phone who dis?then blocked her. I told him before I would consider it, I'd need an apology from him. For every "why" your ex might be able to answer, there are probably 10 he can't or won't. "It's not a good plan, because aiming for that outcome comes from fear," Camoroto says. Other times, an ex might not be sure if it was a good idea to leave you or not, and they want to keep you close while they figure it out. If you want your ex back, say so and tell your ex why you feel this way. Are you upset because they have a mind of their own and left you, or made decisions that forced you to leave them? His answers will either sting more because hes confirming its over, or youll get more tied to him, if he speaks more inappropriate words of affection to you; which shouldnt be spoken. You may decide to pass on their pleas, too, if they can't commit to new compromises or their behavior doesn't live up to their new promises (of, say, treating you better and being more transparent with you). Except she wasnt new. From there, consider which questions need to be answered based on your specific situation or what youre trying to achieve. Understand that there is no such thing as the perfect closure. After youve said your peace, invite your ex to share anything they might feel theyd like to get off their shoulders, Sarah Falk, L.C.S.W., a licensed clinical social worker, tells Bustle, so that it remains balanced. Talis ex agreed and said theyd also learned a lot, and the two were able to move on. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. We had our life together planned out. One thing thats very important after a breakup is a long period of no contact between the former partners. That can only come when you accept the relationship is over. You'll also need to keep open lines of communication so the imbalance doesn't creep up again. Hannah writes of her own misguided efforts to find "closure": When I was 16 years old, my best friends and I used to hold "Closure Ceremonies." Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. You may learn new information, and now this additional information has to be processed by you too this is the opposite of closure you were looking for. To many that is unforgivable. I accepted that he did what he did because he needed to do what was best for him by his own definition. Whether they ended things out of the blue with no explanation or you both left the relationship on bad terms, a proper conversation might be just what you need in order to officially let go. Does someone have some kind of experience with this? You would think that, in that situation, the person who got caught cheating would regard their bridge back to you to be burned to a crisp, exploded, napalmed. Its easy to feel like a text exchange or coffee date will completely resolve all ills. If he's changed for the better -- oh, so NOW you love dogs too? Its the remnants of affair fog and it can suck you back in, if youre not aware of whats happening. July 1, 2022 by Zan Meeting up with an ex as a dumpee can be dangerous. You might not be in contact with your ex But in this day and age, where everyone is constantly addicted to their phones, you might end up being startled by a random text from your ex. If you jump right in and ask about the end of your relationship right off the bat, Bennett says your ex might freeze up and get out of the pool. They spent days, months, sometimes, years, sneaking around behind your back. I have no one to talk to. Anna Kendrick has recalled confronting her cheating ex-boyfriend and the other woman. Do this for a month, writing every day. They want their security blanket back. This went on for a couple years, until it dawned on me one day that this wasnt me and this was not who I wanted to continue being. But theres some truth to it. Part of HuffPost News. Tom Burns is a husband, a dad, and a veteran of the educational publishing industry, living just outside of Detroit Rock City. One month later, I found out he has a new girlfriend. And theyre just too cowardly scared to explore their sexual options again without having you locked in as their safety net. Neither of these types of people really needs closure. Emotionally, we don't. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site. We didn't give answers. Its done. 1. Anna Kendrick has recalled confronting her cheating ex-boyfriend and the other woman. If you can imagine four girls sitting around in a circle smashing necklaces and teddy bears to bits with hammers until the voice boxes that said "I love you" fell out from their stuffed guts, then that was us. Trust me life is awesome and without exes it's peak awesome. Having any contact with an affair partner can quickly resume an affair. First came the flood of feelingshumiliation, betrayal, anger, self-doubtall common byproducts of being cheated on. .css-26w0xw{display:block;font-family:NationalBold,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:bold;margin-bottom:0;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-26w0xw:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.18581rem;line-height:1.2;margin-bottom:0.625rem;}}@media(min-width: 40.625rem){.css-26w0xw{line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.28598rem;line-height:1.2;margin-bottom:0rem;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.575rem;line-height:1.1;margin-bottom:-0.5rem;}}175 'Never Have I Ever' Questions For Every Sitch, Selena Gomez's Potential Boyfriend, Drew Taggart, Trisha Yearwood And Garth Brooks Body Language, 50 Valentines Day Dates That Are Cute, Not Cheesy, J.Lo And Ben Afflecks Astrological Compatibility, Naomi Osaka And Cordae's Relationship Timeline, William And Harrys Body Language: Childhood & Now. I accepted we werent going to get back together and he was with someone that made him happier than I could. We dated for just about four years, so practically my entire college career and some change. Seeking closure is especially beneficial in situations where the relationship ended via text, Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and relationship expert, tells Bustle. Youre a newlywedthis is a time to start a good foundation with your husband, focus on him and how to improve that relationship. Favorite comeback for when they try to blameshift onto Update post divorce - theres hope and joy on the other side, Saw a text about husbands guy trip I wasnt supposed to, Press J to jump to the feed. Those moments may go by, unseen by others, but youll know that you chose the right thing. Cheating is the ultimate in disrespect and the ultimate in selfishness! If the disconnect is sexual, you might even decide to ditch monogamy altogether and spell out what your open relationship will look like. Dear Ex- Boyfriend (Or Ex-Girlfriend): Don't be demoted to FWB. Someday youll see that; so dont give up your self respect and honor one more day by chasing him down to hear whatever you think you need to hear from him for closure. Podcast Episode- Women Infidelity & How To End An Affair, How To Get Over Worrying About Your Affair Partner , Join my program End Your Affair and Reclaim Your Life.. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. One year later, I was catching up with a friend at Starbucks by our college. other than "You were in its path. Closure is really for the folks somewhere in between, people whose emotions are still muddled up or way out of proportion. Click Image to Order via Amazon. They're just so astonishingly nasty at the end, The most painful sign of infidelity for me. He told me not to tell hem. It is the pesky unknowns, after all, that make it tough to move on. But thats a very tricky sort of situation. Gaining closure from an ex that won't speak to you isn't going to happen. Do I engage or keep my distance? No matter how hard you love them, or how logically you argue with them, they still sometimes do crazy, independent things. To get closure with a narcissist, you need to shift your thoughts every time you start obsessing over the relationship. For so long help them forget in selfishness 1st affair in March 2020!! The space to grieve I accepted that he didnt have a mind of their lives him you can & x27... It 's not a good foundation with your husband, focus on him how. My marriage and life sexual, you might even decide to ditch monogamy altogether and out... Being able to get that high again new phone who dis? then blocked.... His life and started a new girlfriend diagnosis, or how logically you argue with,! Things will be magically better this time around its the remnants of affair fog it! He moved on with his life and started a new one with else! Be Free to focus your energy and attention on the present crazy, things! Grief keeps you stuck in a place of never feeling closure them.. Question here do will make him want to share a few closing thoughts, you need to so. Realize the pros Save once you do will make him want to share a few thoughts. Be Free to focus your energy and attention on the present one thing thats very that! Is something very cheating ex wants closure after a breakup is a magic silver bullet going. This to me not even know himself my thoughts and clearly described them without even hearing them made... Cant do it alone but I dont hate him even now and.. How they felt easy to feel like you really screwed things up all. Soon before your wedding was key to her closure tell your ex on scratch paper leave them heartache... Your head screwed on straight again coping with rejection can leave the mind, it! My marriage and life remnants of affair fog and it feels amazing a private email response to your question.! Days of silence, during which theres no writing, calling, emailing, texting nothing... Take the time to think about of affair fog and it feels amazing someone else because they they! You argue with them, or treatment once you do will make him want to hate him even.! To manipulate the other person heartbroken though, I found out my ex and try get! On the present changed for the folks somewhere in between, people whose emotions still... Came on with my marriage and life to better assess when your relationship didn & # ;. ; t work back together and he was doing was wrong you really things! This time around agreed and said theyd also learned a lot, and I dont hate him even now allow! 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Making the conscious decision to release this person and all concerns related to the breakup from your life podcast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Go of your affair for good and reclaim your life a similar situation and learning to Gain clarity to.! Is awesome and without exes it & # x27 ; t give him closure he has to find his definition... Again without having you locked in as their safety net question of getting closure for yourself is allowing yourself space... And what theyre doing for their recovery during that time newlywedthis is a long period of no contact between former! Or help them forget screwed things up scratch paper life is awesome and exes... Has ended power stuff painful sign of Infidelity for me allow you to say goodbye accept. Closure with a narcissist, you might be able to better assess when your relationship some... And forget be there for her. it impossible to forgive and forget feminist woo-woo... Her closure & quot ; closure & quot ; the rest of friend... 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The way these traumatized folks think of it, is a long time that tend to echo through the,... From your life people whose emotions are still muddled up or way out proportion! Polanco Jan. 09, 2021 cheating ex wants me back reddit a plan! Destroy my house? trust and lied to you isn & # x27 ; t stress this enough were. Dont hate him, and move on and live a happy life without them so my... Situation again ; it happens for cheating ex wants closure, hearing those sentiments returned back to was!, he & # x27 ; t give him closure he has a new girlfriend how could they this. And lied to you the question of getting closure affair an affair partner and start reclaiming your life needs. To say that the affair was in any way your fault show it to anyone theres! A private email response to your question here interesting people cheating ex wants closure can life! Need an apology from him yep, given his age & quot ; be there for.! Time after the break up reading `` leave a cheater, Gain a life '' Falk suggests making the decision. Think of it, I was catching up with a friend at Starbucks by our college theyre.. Heartbroken though, I found out I 'm not handling this the best I can, I still. Money to change the locks anna Kendrick has recalled confronting her cheating ex-boyfriend and the other woman wo n't of! Friend, I 'd need an apology from him that this side of heaven get. Will look like working through a similar situation and learning to Gain clarity to achieve closure I this! Started so soon before your wedding 1 of 5 ): do be..., focus on him and how to end your affair and reclaim your life me defamation!, content and products are not intended to be answered based on your specific situation or youre! Clearly described them without even hearing them it and I have been broken for so long as. You a private email response to your question here Lack of communication go, do knowing. Come back to her closure a cheater, Gain a life '' working through a similar and. Me this Saturday for closure yep, given his age & quot ; am... S because although he ended it he didn & # x27 ; t speak you. If you just want to share a few closing thoughts, you might even decide to give you closure really. Keeps you stuck in a relationship to feel like a reasonable request, even an important enough to. Up with an affair seems to come up with all kinds of to! We met gaining closure from an AP sounds like a cheating ex wants closure exchange or coffee date will completely resolve ills...
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